Okay, so this is me on my last night in Bali. I feel it really captures the moment – my last Pre-surgery holiday, the last piña colada, the end of a fantastic holiday.
Now I’m back in the real world, where in less than 5 sleeps I will be having my guts rearranged. I’ve gotta say, I have been feeling a roller coaster of emotions, from excited, to terrified, to numb and every feeling in between…
I have also been finding the Pre-surgery diet really difficult. It’s physical hunger, but mostly mental and emotional. I find myself thinking about food all the time, and all the things I won’t be able to eat again. Or I’ll have a shake and be ravenous within the hour. It’s made me realize that it’s going to be a daily struggle, something I have to deal with.
Sigh. I’m not sure what I believe in, but if any of you are praying people, I’d truly appreciate you spare a thought for me…
Just a quick one today – just to let you know that I am safe and sound and having an AMAZING TIME in Bali – if you haven’t been, you really, really should – this is my second trip here and I love it!
Arrived yesterday at about midday, and have eaten delicious food and had more drinks than I am used to, and it’s all about to end, because tomorrow, I start 2 meals a day of protein shakes and a no carb dinner – which will be difficult but not impossible while here in Bali.
Just waiting for my husband to come back from his ($5) full body massage and we’re heading out for a family dinner… I guess I had better make it a good one!
I had this horrible nightmare a couple of nights ago where half of my teeth fell out, and as I held them in my mouth to try and save them, they crumbled. Growing up with a superstitious Macedonian background, I’ve been told that this is one of the worst possible signs one could have. Past anxiety issues have resurfaced, and I can’t shake this feeling of impending doom.
In 2 weeks and 4 days, I have a choice. Live or die.
The reality is, I could die. But if I don’t go through with it, I might never truly LIVE.
Danced with my kids in the kitchen today. Watching them play in the garden as I type on this sunny day. My gorgeous husband comes home from work tomorrow, and in just 3 sleeps, we go on our family holiday.
Just want to enjoy life and not let the fear take over…
So I’ve just dropped the kids at daycare (they go 2 days a week), and rather than get stuck into the mountain of housework I have waiting for me (incidental exercise!) I thought I should pop in a quick post – I’m getting a bit slack lately, but I guess for now there’s nothing really to report…
My food choices haven’t been so good lately… I’m fighting an inner struggle between what I should be eating to try and lose weight before surgery, and eating foods that I will probably be eating for the last time. Ever. Mourning food – pathetic right? I’m too scared to get on the scales for fear of probable disappointment, which in the past has lead to more bad food habits in an effort to console myself – vicious cycle. What ever will I do when I can’t go to food for comfort….. *gasp* Here’s a thought – I may actually have to DEAL WITH MY SHIT.
Anyways, the hubby is back from work on Friday, and on Sunday, we are escaping the Perth winter and heading to sunny Bali for our first ever family holiday – that’s right, we will be THOSE dreaded people on the flight with THOSE children. I’m incredibly nervous about the flight and the possibility of either or both of the kids getting sick while we’re away… Also, my pre-op diet of protein shakes starts 2 days after we arrive, so I’m kind of nervous about possibly having to explain the sachets of powders at customs….
It’s got me to thinking about things I dread about holidays as an overweight person. First there is the packing – when your clothes are twice the size of those of an average person, it looks as though you’re packing clothes for a month rather than a 9-night stay. I’m worried about the possibility of having to ask for a seatbelt extender – I haven’t had to as yet, but I don’t think I have ever flown at the size I am now. Tray tables – thank god we aren’t being served a meal on the flight as I think it’d be a tight squeeze…
Anyone who has ever been to Bali will know about the friendly, yet PUSHY, Balinese vendors that are always trying to sell you something from their store. The last time I went, I couldn’t even count the amount of times after saying “no thank you” I had them shout “WE HAVE BIIIIIIIIIG SIZES!!!” as I hurriedly walked away red-faced.
Then there is the fact that you wear minimal clothing in the heat, and the dreaded SWIMSUIT. I’ve never felt uncomfortable around the Balinese people, but sometimes other westerners can’t seem to keep their eyes in their heads. Oh, and the sweating. The last time I went, I made the mistake of putting Vampire Red Manic Panic through my hair before we left Perth, and the amount of perspiration made me look like my head was constantly bleeding…
One of the best parts about Bali is Waterbom Park. Pretty sure I exceed the weight limits for most things this time around. Just as well I have the kids to look after and will probably stay in the safety of the family area.
So with all this in mind, I’m saying goodbye to ever having to travel as a fat chick EVER AGAIN. I can’t wait to one day be able to actually ENJOY myself without being self-conscious about all of the above and more.
Anyone ever had any similar experiences?
Argh! Sick kids! One of life’s cruelest jokes – both of my children had horrendous ear infections as a result of an awful cold, and my daughter had a wheeze and cough that may indicate that she too, like her brother, may have asthma! So any spare time I had in between tending to sick children was spent in BED ASLEEP, and let me tell you, it wasn’t much time at all.
Otherwise, not much to report really… just trying to survive through the days… I have loosened a little on the diet – have introduced a few more carbs and not as strict on the amount of protein… and I am sure it will show on the scales. So for now, I am not weighing myself! I think, if I see anything but a loss on those scales it will do me more harm than good and I will just feel so disappointed that I will turn back to food.
I also think I may have loosened a little on the food as I feel like I am saying goodbye to some of my favourites – some foods I will never, ever be able to eat after the 14th August. Isn’t that sad – mourning foods?
I watched a documentary last night about a couple of young teenage girls in America who were also turning to weight loss surgery as their last resort in a bid to lose weight. One was a girl who weighed 152 kg (335 pounds) and had roux eny gastric bypass, like myself. And all of a sudden I think it hit me – how much my life is going to change after surgery – changes I have been informed of and I am ready for but all of a sudden seem SO real. Like taking supplements for the rest of my life in order to prevent nutritional deficiencies, making sure I have between 60-120g protein every day so that my hair doesn’t fall out and the fact I will never eat chocolate again without being sick.
Like I said, I am fully aware of all this, and considered all these things for a very long time…. but with only 3 weeks and 4 days it all seems very REAL…
It is also starting to hit me how afraid I am – it’s like I have been numbing my fear of surviving the procedure itself and I am finding I am gazing at my children a little longer, smelling their hair, listening to them laugh and squeezing them just that little bit tighter. I am also worried about my emotional state post-surgery, and I just hope that I don’t have a psychological setback – I have been doing so well in this area – and this has not always been the case.
More than anything, I am afraid of failure. This was pointed out to me by a comment posted by lisafatgirlrunning (check out her blog – she is truly an amazing woman) and after doing some thinking I agree with her – the shame I spoke about in a previous post was not so much about what other people thought, but more ashamed of myself and my failures in the past and the possibility of failing yet again.
It’s not all doom and gloom…. I’m starting to see a glimmer of hope in the distance – something I haven’t been able to do for a very long time, and not just with things relating to weight. I feel I may have a healthy and active future in the distance and finally be able to grasp and LIVE life, not just exist and have life pass me by.
On that note, the boy is awake again… can’t figure out whether it is teething or earache… or both.
‘Til next time…
It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.
The decision to go through with surgery was not one that was made lightly, it was months of research, weighing up options, and countless consultations with medical professionals. It will mean drastic changes in my life in order for it to be effective and to maintain my health. It is also a “last resort” – I can’t possibly live this way anymore. My health – physical, mental and emotional just can’t take it anymore.
So why do I find it so difficult to tell the people closest to me that I am doing it? Aside from my immediate family and one friend, I have told everybody that I will be having a hiatus hernia repaired – a half truth, as I will be having the hernia fixed in the same procedure. I finally felt the fear and told one of my best friends today – and her reaction shocked me – because it was nothing but support and reassurance.
I am not sure it is even people’s reaction that I am afraid of. It’s more what they may be thinking. That I am taking an “easy way out”. That I am just lazy. That I am beyond help. The truth is – people are people and their motives are not always nice. I’ve been in situations before where revealing something personal about myself has been used as emotional blackmail.
So for now, the jury is out – to tell, or not to tell?
Or I suppose they could just stumble upon this blog….. 😉