D-day…. Or GB-day…

In the car on my way to the hospital… My husband let me sleep in and when I woke up, my kids were already at daycare, so I didn’t get to say goodbye… I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty cut up about that.

So, I’d be lying if I said I’m not afraid of the surgery itself and coming out of it well today… Actually, I’m terrified. But here’s to a new life that begins today and all that comes with it.

See you on the other side xx

5 more sleeps…


Okay, so this is me on my last night in Bali. I feel it really captures the moment – my last Pre-surgery holiday, the last piña colada, the end of a fantastic holiday.

Now I’m back in the real world, where in less than 5 sleeps I will be having my guts rearranged. I’ve gotta say, I have been feeling a roller coaster of emotions, from excited, to terrified, to numb and every feeling in between…

I have also been finding the Pre-surgery diet really difficult. It’s physical hunger, but mostly mental and emotional. I find myself thinking about food all the time, and all the things I won’t be able to eat again. Or I’ll have a shake and be ravenous within the hour. It’s made me realize that it’s going to be a daily struggle, something I have to deal with.

Sigh. I’m not sure what I believe in, but if any of you are praying people, I’d truly appreciate you spare a thought for me…

Greetings from Bali!


Just a quick one today – just to let you know that I am safe and sound and having an AMAZING TIME in Bali – if you haven’t been, you really, really should – this is my second trip here and I love it!

Arrived yesterday at about midday, and have eaten delicious food and had more drinks than I am used to, and it’s all about to end, because tomorrow, I start 2 meals a day of protein shakes and a no carb dinner – which will be difficult but not impossible while here in Bali.

Just waiting for my husband to come back from his ($5) full body massage and we’re heading out for a family dinner… I guess I had better make it a good one!

And so it hits me…


I’m scared.

I had this horrible nightmare a couple of nights ago where half of my teeth fell out, and as I held them in my mouth to try and save them, they crumbled.  Growing up with a superstitious Macedonian background, I’ve been told that this is one of the worst possible signs one could have.  Past anxiety issues have resurfaced, and I can’t shake this feeling of impending doom.


In 2 weeks and 4 days, I have a choice.  Live or die.

The reality is, I could die.  But if I don’t go through with it, I might never truly LIVE.


Danced with my kids in the kitchen today.  Watching them play in the garden as I type on this sunny day.  My gorgeous husband comes home from work tomorrow, and in just 3 sleeps, we go on our family holiday.

Just want to enjoy life and not let the fear take over…

“Gonna Take Her for a Ride on a Big Jet Plane…”


So I’ve just dropped the kids at daycare (they go 2 days a week), and rather than get stuck into the mountain of housework I have waiting for me (incidental exercise!) I thought I should pop in a quick post – I’m getting a bit slack lately, but I guess for now there’s nothing really to report…

My food choices haven’t been so good lately… I’m fighting an inner struggle between what I should be eating to try and lose weight before surgery, and eating foods that I will probably be eating for the last time.  Ever.  Mourning food – pathetic right?  I’m too scared to get on the scales for fear of probable disappointment, which in the past has lead to more bad food habits in an effort to console myself – vicious cycle.  What ever will I do when I can’t go to food for comfort….. *gasp* Here’s a thought – I may actually have to DEAL WITH MY SHIT.

Anyways, the hubby is back from work on Friday, and on Sunday, we are escaping the Perth winter and heading to sunny Bali for our first ever family holiday – that’s right, we will be THOSE dreaded people on the flight with THOSE children.  I’m incredibly nervous about the flight and the possibility of either or both of the kids getting sick while we’re away…  Also, my pre-op diet of protein shakes starts 2 days after we arrive, so I’m kind of nervous about possibly having to explain the sachets of powders at customs….

It’s got me to thinking about things I dread about holidays as an overweight person.  First there is the packing – when your clothes are twice the size of those of an average person, it looks as though you’re packing clothes for a month rather than a 9-night stay.  I’m worried about the possibility of having to ask for a seatbelt extender – I haven’t had to as yet, but I don’t think I have ever flown at the size I am now.  Tray tables – thank god we aren’t being served a meal on the flight as I think it’d be a tight squeeze…

Anyone who has ever been to Bali will know about the friendly, yet PUSHY, Balinese vendors that are always trying to sell you something from their store.  The last time I went, I couldn’t even count the amount of times after saying “no thank you” I had them shout “WE HAVE BIIIIIIIIIG SIZES!!!” as I hurriedly walked away red-faced.

Then there is the fact that you wear minimal clothing in the heat, and the dreaded SWIMSUIT.  I’ve never felt uncomfortable around the Balinese people, but sometimes other westerners can’t seem to keep their eyes in their heads.  Oh, and the sweating.  The last time I went, I made the mistake of putting Vampire Red Manic Panic through my hair before we left Perth, and the amount of perspiration made me look like my head was constantly bleeding…

One of the best parts about Bali is Waterbom Park.  Pretty sure I exceed the weight limits for most things this time around.  Just as well I have the kids to look after and will probably stay in the safety of the family area.

So with all this in mind, I’m saying goodbye to ever having to travel as a fat chick EVER AGAIN.  I can’t wait to one day be able to actually ENJOY myself without being self-conscious about all of the above and more.

Anyone ever had any similar experiences?

It’s been a few days…


Argh!  Sick kids! One of life’s cruelest jokes – both of my children had horrendous ear infections as a result of an awful cold, and my daughter had a wheeze and cough that may indicate that she too, like her brother, may have asthma!  So any spare time I had in between tending to sick children was spent in BED ASLEEP, and let me tell you, it wasn’t much time at all.

Otherwise, not much to report really… just trying to survive through the days… I have loosened a little on the diet – have introduced a few more carbs and not as strict on the amount of protein… and I am sure it will show on the scales.  So for now, I am not weighing myself!  I think, if I see anything but a loss on those scales it will do me more harm than good and I will just feel so disappointed that I will turn back to food.

I also think I may have loosened a little on the food as I feel like I am saying goodbye to some of my favourites – some foods I will never, ever be able to eat after the 14th August.  Isn’t that sad – mourning foods?

I watched a documentary last night about a couple of young teenage girls in America who were also turning to weight loss surgery as their last resort in a bid to lose weight.  One was a girl who weighed 152 kg (335 pounds) and had roux eny gastric bypass, like myself.  And all of a sudden I think it hit me – how much my life is going to change after surgery – changes I have been informed of and I am ready for but all of a sudden seem SO real.  Like taking supplements for the rest of my life in order   to prevent nutritional deficiencies, making sure I have between 60-120g protein every day so that my hair doesn’t fall out and the fact I will never eat chocolate again without being sick.

Like I said, I am fully aware of all this, and considered all these things for a very long time…. but with only 3 weeks and 4 days it all seems very REAL…

It is also starting to hit me how afraid I am – it’s like I have been numbing my fear of surviving the procedure itself and I am finding I am gazing at my children a little longer, smelling their hair, listening to them laugh and squeezing them just that little bit tighter.  I am also worried about my emotional state post-surgery, and I just hope that I don’t have a psychological setback – I have been doing so well in this area – and this has not always been the case.

More than anything, I am afraid of failure.  This was pointed out to me by a comment posted by lisafatgirlrunning (check out her blog – she is truly an amazing woman) and after doing some thinking I agree with her – the shame  I spoke about in a previous post was not so much about what other people thought, but more ashamed of myself and my failures in the past and the possibility of failing yet again.

It’s not all doom and gloom…. I’m starting to see a glimmer of hope in the distance – something I haven’t been able to do for a very long time, and not just with things relating to weight.  I feel I may have a healthy and active future in the distance and finally be able to grasp and LIVE life, not just exist and have life pass me by.

On that note, the boy is awake again… can’t figure out whether it is teething or earache… or both.

‘Til next time…


Sugar : my frenemy

This image was selected as a picture of the we...

Hmmm, so… as I finish my chicken and salad on mountain bread wrap… I guess I could write some news 🙂

The first, I’m not so proud of – after 3 days of eating only protein (in the detox phase of my eating plan), and one day of eating well, last night, I succumbed to a Magnum.  I was at my sister’s house for dinner, and I don’t know what it is about people that makes them offer you delicious things as soon as they know you are on a healthy eating plan, BUT THEY ALWAYS DO and I didn’t have the willpower to say no.

Yes, it was wrong, and I hated myself afterwards, because it was all I could think about until I went to bed last night – after denying my body sugar for 3 days, that sugar hit was honestly like a drug, and once I’d had it, I wanted more….. BUT I DIDN’T!!!!!! And that is a first for me, as a Magnum or any other sweet treat is usually the beginning of an all-out sugar binge.

I think, more than anything, I will find giving up sugar the hardest post-surgery.  Eating refined sugars or starchy carbs after a gastric bypass is a definite no-no as it goes straight through your system and causes “dumping syndrome” – which may mean nausea, vomiting, bloating, cramping, diarrhea, dizziness and fatigue… and I don’t know about you, but I don’t think any amount of sugar is worth feeling that crappy.  Not to mention counter-productive to going through such a huge surgery and why you are doing it in the first place.

The hubby went back to work this morning – he works away in mining for 2 weeks and is home for 2 weeks at a time – the 2 weeks at home is great, as I get a break and a helping hand – not to mention an adult to talk to! As for the 2 weeks he is away, well, I’ve gotta say, they’re pretty tough.  I don’t have many friends with children or any family close by, so looking after my monsters on my own for 2 weeks…. well, lets just say it’s a challenge!  So, the challenge for this fortnight will be to live in my high stress surroundings, and NOT turn to food to make it feel better.  While my husband was home I also had someone to be accountable to, and he is also changing his eating habits in order to support me while also gaining benefits for his health too.  Don’t get me wrong – the break from each other is a blessing sometimes too – and I wouldn’t dare admit it to him, but on a day like today, the hubby is back at work, the kids are in daycare, it is SO GOOD to just sit at home in silence!

Now for some motivation to get off the couch and do something physical…………….

Til next time,


Hello world!

Well, where to start?

I guess I should start by introducing myself.  My name is Natasha, or Tash, as those I am closest to call me 🙂  I live in Western Australia with my husband, two small children and our cat who thinks he is a dog.  Today I am starting my weight loss journey – my Skinny Girl Project – my search to find the buried treasure underneath!  I am new to blogging (so bear with me!), but I’m hoping that by doing this blog I can stay on track, use it as an outlet, learn a bit about myself, and if anyone ever reads it, provide some support and advice along the way 🙂

I’ve been battling with my weight for as long as I can remember.  An overweight pre-teen, obese teenager, and morbidly obese adult, I hit my heaviest in 2005 at 154kg (339lbs).  Enough was enough, I needed help.  So I became one of the very first (6th, in fact) to have a sleeve gastrectomy procedure, which was revised 6 months later in 2006.  By the end of 2007, I was 97kg (213lbs) – life was great!!! My husband and I decided to start trying for a family, and after the stress of not being able to conceive, I found myself at 106kg (233lbs) when we started the first round of drugs for IVF – only to find out we had fallen pregnant naturally 12 days later 😀 I put on a whopping 31kg (68lbs) with my daughter, and after a difficult premature birth, found myself at the throes of post-natal depression.  But the surprises didn’t end there, seven months later I found out I was pregnant with our son, and I had my two children 15 months apart – my two blessings – they are my world 🙂  So, in the almost 2 years since my son was born, the weight has slowly (and sometimes not so slowly) crept up and I find myself here today at 134kg (295lbs) – which is not quite the 154kg I was previously was, but I tell you, it feels dangerously close.

Miserable and depressed, it was time to enlist some help again.  And so, after months of deliberating and weighing up options, my surgeon and I decided on a Roux En Y gastric bypass.  It comes with great risks, but I have weighed those against the benefits and truly believe it is my best option for a normal, happy and healthy life.

August 14th is my surgery date – I’m super excited – and started a high protein, low carb diet today in order to try to lose some weight and shrink my liver in order to go into the surgery as safely as I possibly can, while also learning how I will be eating after surgery.  I’m looking forward to a healthier future for myself, and for my family, and being able to do all the things that my current frame won’t allow.

Well, that’s my story.  I’m feeling brave, so I’ll even share my “before” photo.  Be kind – especially about the socks 😉

‘Til next time xx

10th July, 2012

134kg (295lbs)