Hey there strangers…

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Yes, it has been a while.

I have gotten lazy/behind in my posting here, and l shouldn’t have, because posting may have helped me out. I’m feeling pretty down lately, and I just don’t know why.

A quick update: I think I am about 7kg less than I was post op, and have moved on from a liquid diet to a puréed diet. Kind of as interesting as the liquid diet, but way more gross. But it doesn’t bother me so much, I don’t have much of an appetite.

Which brings me to my next confession – I haven’t been keeping track of the protein – and clearly not having enough. I’ve even slacked on taking my supplements – aside from the fact they are chewable and DISGUSTING, I don’t even know why I have fallen off of the wagon only 3 weeks out.

I also have a big, sore lump of an area underneath my scars where my stomach used to be… I can’t help but think its a hernia. God I hope not.

I have just been so down lately, life just seems overwhelming. My GP was worried how my mental health would fare post surgery. I also wonder how much of my antidepressants I absorb now.

Anyways, it feels like I have a big black cloud hanging over me.

Baby steps. My 3 goals for the week to turn things around are:

1. Take my supplements EVERY DAY.
2. Meet my 60g protein requirement EVERY DAY.
3. Post here at least EVERY SECOND DAY. I need to sound whatever is going on out.

Love love xx

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Home (again), Jeeves!

So I came home yesterday… only to run a fever by the evening and find myself in hospital again overnight. As it turns out, it was probably respiratory related, as my fever subsided as soon as I had coughed up a mucous plug (TMI, I know!). So here I am, home again, and I’ve just been doing a lot of sleeping – I feel so tired all the time.

While I was in hospital, I was started on a “clear fluids” diet, and since I’ve been home I have to be on a “liquids” diet for the next 2 weeks – that means nothing thicker than milk. I’m still pretty nauseous, so I am finding it hard to stomach most things like protein shakes and soups but know that I need some nourishment to stay healthy.

Emotionally, I’m not really sure how I feel about the entire procedure. I just want to feel normal again… and to anyone who thinks weight loss surgery is an “easy way out” oh you have no idea how wrong you are.

Hope you are all well out there… xx

D-day…. Or GB-day…

In the car on my way to the hospital… My husband let me sleep in and when I woke up, my kids were already at daycare, so I didn’t get to say goodbye… I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty cut up about that.

So, I’d be lying if I said I’m not afraid of the surgery itself and coming out of it well today… Actually, I’m terrified. But here’s to a new life that begins today and all that comes with it.

See you on the other side xx

5 more sleeps…

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Okay, so this is me on my last night in Bali. I feel it really captures the moment – my last Pre-surgery holiday, the last piña colada, the end of a fantastic holiday.

Now I’m back in the real world, where in less than 5 sleeps I will be having my guts rearranged. I’ve gotta say, I have been feeling a roller coaster of emotions, from excited, to terrified, to numb and every feeling in between…

I have also been finding the Pre-surgery diet really difficult. It’s physical hunger, but mostly mental and emotional. I find myself thinking about food all the time, and all the things I won’t be able to eat again. Or I’ll have a shake and be ravenous within the hour. It’s made me realize that it’s going to be a daily struggle, something I have to deal with.

Sigh. I’m not sure what I believe in, but if any of you are praying people, I’d truly appreciate you spare a thought for me…

And so it hits me…

 

I’m scared.

I had this horrible nightmare a couple of nights ago where half of my teeth fell out, and as I held them in my mouth to try and save them, they crumbled.  Growing up with a superstitious Macedonian background, I’ve been told that this is one of the worst possible signs one could have.  Past anxiety issues have resurfaced, and I can’t shake this feeling of impending doom.

 

In 2 weeks and 4 days, I have a choice.  Live or die.

The reality is, I could die.  But if I don’t go through with it, I might never truly LIVE.

 

Danced with my kids in the kitchen today.  Watching them play in the garden as I type on this sunny day.  My gorgeous husband comes home from work tomorrow, and in just 3 sleeps, we go on our family holiday.

Just want to enjoy life and not let the fear take over…

“Gonna Take Her for a Ride on a Big Jet Plane…”

 

So I’ve just dropped the kids at daycare (they go 2 days a week), and rather than get stuck into the mountain of housework I have waiting for me (incidental exercise!) I thought I should pop in a quick post – I’m getting a bit slack lately, but I guess for now there’s nothing really to report…

My food choices haven’t been so good lately… I’m fighting an inner struggle between what I should be eating to try and lose weight before surgery, and eating foods that I will probably be eating for the last time.  Ever.  Mourning food – pathetic right?  I’m too scared to get on the scales for fear of probable disappointment, which in the past has lead to more bad food habits in an effort to console myself – vicious cycle.  What ever will I do when I can’t go to food for comfort….. *gasp* Here’s a thought – I may actually have to DEAL WITH MY SHIT.

Anyways, the hubby is back from work on Friday, and on Sunday, we are escaping the Perth winter and heading to sunny Bali for our first ever family holiday – that’s right, we will be THOSE dreaded people on the flight with THOSE children.  I’m incredibly nervous about the flight and the possibility of either or both of the kids getting sick while we’re away…  Also, my pre-op diet of protein shakes starts 2 days after we arrive, so I’m kind of nervous about possibly having to explain the sachets of powders at customs….

It’s got me to thinking about things I dread about holidays as an overweight person.  First there is the packing – when your clothes are twice the size of those of an average person, it looks as though you’re packing clothes for a month rather than a 9-night stay.  I’m worried about the possibility of having to ask for a seatbelt extender – I haven’t had to as yet, but I don’t think I have ever flown at the size I am now.  Tray tables – thank god we aren’t being served a meal on the flight as I think it’d be a tight squeeze…

Anyone who has ever been to Bali will know about the friendly, yet PUSHY, Balinese vendors that are always trying to sell you something from their store.  The last time I went, I couldn’t even count the amount of times after saying “no thank you” I had them shout “WE HAVE BIIIIIIIIIG SIZES!!!” as I hurriedly walked away red-faced.

Then there is the fact that you wear minimal clothing in the heat, and the dreaded SWIMSUIT.  I’ve never felt uncomfortable around the Balinese people, but sometimes other westerners can’t seem to keep their eyes in their heads.  Oh, and the sweating.  The last time I went, I made the mistake of putting Vampire Red Manic Panic through my hair before we left Perth, and the amount of perspiration made me look like my head was constantly bleeding…

One of the best parts about Bali is Waterbom Park.  Pretty sure I exceed the weight limits for most things this time around.  Just as well I have the kids to look after and will probably stay in the safety of the family area.

So with all this in mind, I’m saying goodbye to ever having to travel as a fat chick EVER AGAIN.  I can’t wait to one day be able to actually ENJOY myself without being self-conscious about all of the above and more.

Anyone ever had any similar experiences?