It’s been a few days…

 

Argh!  Sick kids! One of life’s cruelest jokes – both of my children had horrendous ear infections as a result of an awful cold, and my daughter had a wheeze and cough that may indicate that she too, like her brother, may have asthma!  So any spare time I had in between tending to sick children was spent in BED ASLEEP, and let me tell you, it wasn’t much time at all.

Otherwise, not much to report really… just trying to survive through the days… I have loosened a little on the diet – have introduced a few more carbs and not as strict on the amount of protein… and I am sure it will show on the scales.  So for now, I am not weighing myself!  I think, if I see anything but a loss on those scales it will do me more harm than good and I will just feel so disappointed that I will turn back to food.

I also think I may have loosened a little on the food as I feel like I am saying goodbye to some of my favourites – some foods I will never, ever be able to eat after the 14th August.  Isn’t that sad – mourning foods?

I watched a documentary last night about a couple of young teenage girls in America who were also turning to weight loss surgery as their last resort in a bid to lose weight.  One was a girl who weighed 152 kg (335 pounds) and had roux eny gastric bypass, like myself.  And all of a sudden I think it hit me – how much my life is going to change after surgery – changes I have been informed of and I am ready for but all of a sudden seem SO real.  Like taking supplements for the rest of my life in order   to prevent nutritional deficiencies, making sure I have between 60-120g protein every day so that my hair doesn’t fall out and the fact I will never eat chocolate again without being sick.

Like I said, I am fully aware of all this, and considered all these things for a very long time…. but with only 3 weeks and 4 days it all seems very REAL…

It is also starting to hit me how afraid I am – it’s like I have been numbing my fear of surviving the procedure itself and I am finding I am gazing at my children a little longer, smelling their hair, listening to them laugh and squeezing them just that little bit tighter.  I am also worried about my emotional state post-surgery, and I just hope that I don’t have a psychological setback – I have been doing so well in this area – and this has not always been the case.

More than anything, I am afraid of failure.  This was pointed out to me by a comment posted by lisafatgirlrunning (check out her blog – she is truly an amazing woman) and after doing some thinking I agree with her – the shame  I spoke about in a previous post was not so much about what other people thought, but more ashamed of myself and my failures in the past and the possibility of failing yet again.

It’s not all doom and gloom…. I’m starting to see a glimmer of hope in the distance – something I haven’t been able to do for a very long time, and not just with things relating to weight.  I feel I may have a healthy and active future in the distance and finally be able to grasp and LIVE life, not just exist and have life pass me by.

On that note, the boy is awake again… can’t figure out whether it is teething or earache… or both.

‘Til next time…

 

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