Shame.

 

It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.

The decision to go through with surgery was not one that was made lightly, it was months of research, weighing up options, and countless consultations with medical professionals.  It will mean drastic changes in my life in order for it to be effective and to maintain my health.  It is also a “last resort” – I can’t possibly live this way anymore.  My health – physical, mental and emotional just can’t take it anymore.

So why do I find it so difficult to tell the people closest to me that I am doing it? Aside from my immediate family and one friend, I have told everybody that I will be having a hiatus hernia repaired – a half truth, as I will be having the hernia fixed in the same procedure.  I finally felt the fear and told one of my best friends today – and her reaction shocked me – because it was nothing but support and reassurance.

I am not sure it is even people’s reaction that I am afraid of.  It’s more what they may be thinking.  That I am taking an “easy way out”.  That I am just lazy.  That I am beyond help.  The truth is – people are people and their motives are not always nice.  I’ve been in situations before where revealing something personal about myself has been used as emotional blackmail.

So for now, the jury is out – to tell, or not to tell?

Or I suppose they could just stumble upon this blog….. 😉

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Hello world!

Well, where to start?

I guess I should start by introducing myself.  My name is Natasha, or Tash, as those I am closest to call me 🙂  I live in Western Australia with my husband, two small children and our cat who thinks he is a dog.  Today I am starting my weight loss journey – my Skinny Girl Project – my search to find the buried treasure underneath!  I am new to blogging (so bear with me!), but I’m hoping that by doing this blog I can stay on track, use it as an outlet, learn a bit about myself, and if anyone ever reads it, provide some support and advice along the way 🙂

I’ve been battling with my weight for as long as I can remember.  An overweight pre-teen, obese teenager, and morbidly obese adult, I hit my heaviest in 2005 at 154kg (339lbs).  Enough was enough, I needed help.  So I became one of the very first (6th, in fact) to have a sleeve gastrectomy procedure, which was revised 6 months later in 2006.  By the end of 2007, I was 97kg (213lbs) – life was great!!! My husband and I decided to start trying for a family, and after the stress of not being able to conceive, I found myself at 106kg (233lbs) when we started the first round of drugs for IVF – only to find out we had fallen pregnant naturally 12 days later 😀 I put on a whopping 31kg (68lbs) with my daughter, and after a difficult premature birth, found myself at the throes of post-natal depression.  But the surprises didn’t end there, seven months later I found out I was pregnant with our son, and I had my two children 15 months apart – my two blessings – they are my world 🙂  So, in the almost 2 years since my son was born, the weight has slowly (and sometimes not so slowly) crept up and I find myself here today at 134kg (295lbs) – which is not quite the 154kg I was previously was, but I tell you, it feels dangerously close.

Miserable and depressed, it was time to enlist some help again.  And so, after months of deliberating and weighing up options, my surgeon and I decided on a Roux En Y gastric bypass.  It comes with great risks, but I have weighed those against the benefits and truly believe it is my best option for a normal, happy and healthy life.

August 14th is my surgery date – I’m super excited – and started a high protein, low carb diet today in order to try to lose some weight and shrink my liver in order to go into the surgery as safely as I possibly can, while also learning how I will be eating after surgery.  I’m looking forward to a healthier future for myself, and for my family, and being able to do all the things that my current frame won’t allow.

Well, that’s my story.  I’m feeling brave, so I’ll even share my “before” photo.  Be kind – especially about the socks 😉

‘Til next time xx

10th July, 2012

134kg (295lbs)