Shame.

 

It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.

The decision to go through with surgery was not one that was made lightly, it was months of research, weighing up options, and countless consultations with medical professionals.  It will mean drastic changes in my life in order for it to be effective and to maintain my health.  It is also a “last resort” – I can’t possibly live this way anymore.  My health – physical, mental and emotional just can’t take it anymore.

So why do I find it so difficult to tell the people closest to me that I am doing it? Aside from my immediate family and one friend, I have told everybody that I will be having a hiatus hernia repaired – a half truth, as I will be having the hernia fixed in the same procedure.  I finally felt the fear and told one of my best friends today – and her reaction shocked me – because it was nothing but support and reassurance.

I am not sure it is even people’s reaction that I am afraid of.  It’s more what they may be thinking.  That I am taking an “easy way out”.  That I am just lazy.  That I am beyond help.  The truth is – people are people and their motives are not always nice.  I’ve been in situations before where revealing something personal about myself has been used as emotional blackmail.

So for now, the jury is out – to tell, or not to tell?

Or I suppose they could just stumble upon this blog….. 😉

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