Home (again), Jeeves!

So I came home yesterday… only to run a fever by the evening and find myself in hospital again overnight. As it turns out, it was probably respiratory related, as my fever subsided as soon as I had coughed up a mucous plug (TMI, I know!). So here I am, home again, and I’ve just been doing a lot of sleeping – I feel so tired all the time.

While I was in hospital, I was started on a “clear fluids” diet, and since I’ve been home I have to be on a “liquids” diet for the next 2 weeks – that means nothing thicker than milk. I’m still pretty nauseous, so I am finding it hard to stomach most things like protein shakes and soups but know that I need some nourishment to stay healthy.

Emotionally, I’m not really sure how I feel about the entire procedure. I just want to feel normal again… and to anyone who thinks weight loss surgery is an “easy way out” oh you have no idea how wrong you are.

Hope you are all well out there… xx

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I’m alive!

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Just a quick post to let you know I have come out on the other side of surgery alive and kicking!

Surgery apparently went really well, and that blue tongue you see is the result of a blue dye they flushed through to male sure there were no leaks – even my pee is still blue! (so weird!!!)

Still very sore and feeling pretty ordinary, but absolutely no regrets! I’m so excited about having taken the biggest step in the journey of my new life 🙂

D-day…. Or GB-day…

In the car on my way to the hospital… My husband let me sleep in and when I woke up, my kids were already at daycare, so I didn’t get to say goodbye… I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty cut up about that.

So, I’d be lying if I said I’m not afraid of the surgery itself and coming out of it well today… Actually, I’m terrified. But here’s to a new life that begins today and all that comes with it.

See you on the other side xx

It’s been a few days…

 

Argh!  Sick kids! One of life’s cruelest jokes – both of my children had horrendous ear infections as a result of an awful cold, and my daughter had a wheeze and cough that may indicate that she too, like her brother, may have asthma!  So any spare time I had in between tending to sick children was spent in BED ASLEEP, and let me tell you, it wasn’t much time at all.

Otherwise, not much to report really… just trying to survive through the days… I have loosened a little on the diet – have introduced a few more carbs and not as strict on the amount of protein… and I am sure it will show on the scales.  So for now, I am not weighing myself!  I think, if I see anything but a loss on those scales it will do me more harm than good and I will just feel so disappointed that I will turn back to food.

I also think I may have loosened a little on the food as I feel like I am saying goodbye to some of my favourites – some foods I will never, ever be able to eat after the 14th August.  Isn’t that sad – mourning foods?

I watched a documentary last night about a couple of young teenage girls in America who were also turning to weight loss surgery as their last resort in a bid to lose weight.  One was a girl who weighed 152 kg (335 pounds) and had roux eny gastric bypass, like myself.  And all of a sudden I think it hit me – how much my life is going to change after surgery – changes I have been informed of and I am ready for but all of a sudden seem SO real.  Like taking supplements for the rest of my life in order   to prevent nutritional deficiencies, making sure I have between 60-120g protein every day so that my hair doesn’t fall out and the fact I will never eat chocolate again without being sick.

Like I said, I am fully aware of all this, and considered all these things for a very long time…. but with only 3 weeks and 4 days it all seems very REAL…

It is also starting to hit me how afraid I am – it’s like I have been numbing my fear of surviving the procedure itself and I am finding I am gazing at my children a little longer, smelling their hair, listening to them laugh and squeezing them just that little bit tighter.  I am also worried about my emotional state post-surgery, and I just hope that I don’t have a psychological setback – I have been doing so well in this area – and this has not always been the case.

More than anything, I am afraid of failure.  This was pointed out to me by a comment posted by lisafatgirlrunning (check out her blog – she is truly an amazing woman) and after doing some thinking I agree with her – the shame  I spoke about in a previous post was not so much about what other people thought, but more ashamed of myself and my failures in the past and the possibility of failing yet again.

It’s not all doom and gloom…. I’m starting to see a glimmer of hope in the distance – something I haven’t been able to do for a very long time, and not just with things relating to weight.  I feel I may have a healthy and active future in the distance and finally be able to grasp and LIVE life, not just exist and have life pass me by.

On that note, the boy is awake again… can’t figure out whether it is teething or earache… or both.

‘Til next time…

 

Shame.

 

It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.

The decision to go through with surgery was not one that was made lightly, it was months of research, weighing up options, and countless consultations with medical professionals.  It will mean drastic changes in my life in order for it to be effective and to maintain my health.  It is also a “last resort” – I can’t possibly live this way anymore.  My health – physical, mental and emotional just can’t take it anymore.

So why do I find it so difficult to tell the people closest to me that I am doing it? Aside from my immediate family and one friend, I have told everybody that I will be having a hiatus hernia repaired – a half truth, as I will be having the hernia fixed in the same procedure.  I finally felt the fear and told one of my best friends today – and her reaction shocked me – because it was nothing but support and reassurance.

I am not sure it is even people’s reaction that I am afraid of.  It’s more what they may be thinking.  That I am taking an “easy way out”.  That I am just lazy.  That I am beyond help.  The truth is – people are people and their motives are not always nice.  I’ve been in situations before where revealing something personal about myself has been used as emotional blackmail.

So for now, the jury is out – to tell, or not to tell?

Or I suppose they could just stumble upon this blog….. 😉